I am a freak . I am an idiot. I can't handle it anymore. All the stuffs which are crushing onto me. I feel so tired and restless physically and emotionally. I can't handle stress. I try to handle it but in the end i am still trying. I try to smile and i try to be happy. I did try but i can't . I did tired to smile in order to cover up my frustrations and anger. I am angry, not with you guys but myself. I wasn't like myself these few days. I behave completely different from my usual self. I just wanna some time on my own to sort out things which are cramped in my mind. I am messy and i need to organise myself.
For a minute, i thought of slashing my wrist or getting knocked down by a car and die . But i didn't because i am lack of courage. When bad things happened, i always tell myself that everything will be fine and there is nothing to worry about but in the end it turn out to be completely different. I am not trying to be a sadist but i just couldn't control. I shouldn't have come out today, i thought it would at least make me feel better but in the end it turn out to be opposite again. I should have juz lock myself at home and rot. I wanna everyone around me to be happy but it turn out to be completely opposite. I didn;t wanna be so moody, i really don wan. I wanna be happy too, i tried and i try really hard . I walked back home alone today. I wanna cry out loud but i had to hold back my tears. I hate to find myself crying . It make me look weak and venerable and pathetic. I burst out in tears the moment i am in my room.I am feeling better. A lot more better.
I didn;t tok for the entire train journey. I am in a very bad mood so i chose to keep quiet . If i really tok, i knew i will definately quarrel with you. I will vent all my anger and frustration on you. I know you don;t deserve that. So i chose not to tok to you. You have done what you should have done. You should deserve someone better, a lot more better.Is love really a great thing? I doubt. Sometimes things you said to me actually makes me feel better and happy but most of the time you actions makes me feel disappointed and insecure. But its my own problem not yours.Maybe i am still a kid who need someone to protect and stand up for me .
I should be happy with what i have now. I should be happy with what i am now. But how can someone be happy when you actually see how pathetic you are. It was today when i finally know how pathetic i am. Wouldn't it be better if my mum had never gave birth to me. Everyone will be happy or should i say they will be happier. I am like a monster. I got mood swing every now and then. I am sensitive to what people say. My familt will also be happier with out me. It doesn;t make any difference. I wonder why people exist? What is the reason for me to live? To make everyone happy? I am not so noble . I can;t find the reason yet.
So tired. A sincere apology to those whose mood had been influence by my super bad mood. I am really sorry.
